“I feel like such an idiot. All these years my wife’s been saying she wants me to give her an orgasm, now it turns out she didn’t mean one of mine.”
From the time we’re young, we’re imprinted with what sex SHOULD be like.
The acceptance of young boys masturbating versus the disapproval of young girls masturbating, along with the romance movies and books about men sweeping women off their feet and carrying them down pleasure lane, leave women with the idea that a man is going to take care of all of their sexual needs, wants, and desires.
Men are much less guilty of expecting someone else to give them an orgasm due to the acceptance of them masturbating in their childhood and the realization of the ease at which they can cum. So to rub a quickie out is no big deal.
However, in a loving relationship, it can become a different story.
Sexual needs are not as simple as just climaxing. It is human nature to enjoy variety… creativity… an imagination… different positions… exploring fantasies… etc. If one’s partner is not as sexually open as they are, they often withhold their desires which leaves them consciously or unconsciously in a state of sexual dissatisfaction. This breeds resentment which can then lead to putting blame on their partner for their needs not being met.
Besides, it’s much easier to blame your lover if the sex isn’t that great or if you can’t have an orgasm.
So when it comes to being sexually satisfied, whose responsibility is it?
Is it your lovers’ responsibility?
Here’s a few reasons why it’s not:
- He/she may have different sexual needs, wants, and desires than you assume. More than half of all couples are uncomfortable discussing this intimate topic and is the number one reason for sexual dissatisfation. Break the ice – start having conversations outside your comfort zone. Your sex life will thank you!
- He/she may not be confident in asking for what he/she wants or giving directions. Most people struggle asking for what they want in all areas of life, not just the bedroom. If you don’t ask for what you want, how does your lover know what to give you?
- A man has a penis – he is not equipped with a vagina nor did he receive an instruction manual when he was born on how to please a woman. (C’mon ladies, neither did you!) Every woman he encounters is different in what turns her on and what makes her orgasmic clock tick. Although men don’t take directions well in the car, they do take directions well in the bedroom if you don’t make them feel wrong for what they’r doing. There is a gentle, kind way of guiding your man to pleasing you just right.
- As said above, a woman has a vagina, not a penis, but there is the stereotype that all penises are alike. Never approach a penis with only one trick in your toolbag. Get to know the body you’re playing with and introduce him to new sensations. Most men abide by the conventional way of having sex because that’s all they were taught. That’s why I say women truly are the guiding light when it comes to awakening men to their full sexual potential – not in the fact that it’s the woman’s responsibility, but in the fact that women are more connected to the soft, sensual side of themselves and can introduce man to that world.
- Due to the difference in sexual openness between men and women, men are naturally more exploratory than women are which makes women less likely to really, REALLY know what turns them on. (Multiple research studies prove this as well.) Because of this, often times the man will drop hints to his lover to explore her turn-ons and desires, but she may need some hand-holding at first. Guilty as charged – my husband introduced me to a world beyond vanilla, but it is not his responsibility to carry me the entire journey of my exploration. One word of advice ladies – get to know the deep, dark side of your sexuality… explore the nooks and crannies… you may just so happen to find something there that you like!
- Last but not least, the inability to reach orgasm is not your lover’s fault. Whose fault is it? More likely than not, your monkey mind. An overactive mind, stress, worry, fear, and anxiety will push your orgasm so far away it will feel unattainable.
And finally, whatever you do, do NOT blame your partner for your sexual dissatisfaction. It may feel hard to put all the blame on yourself, and that’s not what I’m recommending here, but at least look at how YOU can contribute to changing your dissatisfaction. If you don’t know where to begin, message me here and let’s chat!
After all, this is your sexual reality and if you keep doing the same thing over and over, nothing will ever change.