The 90-day sex rule… yay or nay?
I’ve ran into 3 ladies in the past week who have confessed to me that they abide by the 90-day sex rule that Steve Harvey recommends.
Does it work?
Well first, let’s explore what this rule is ACTUALLY implying (indirectly and subconsciously):
- Sex is something women give men.
Sex is not a gift that women give men – it’s an equally enjoyable and sacred act shared between both partners. Granted, anatomically, the man enters a woman, which can be viewed as sacred and as though she’s giving herself to him. However, if sex is treated as though it’s a gift to the man, the woman gains power which leads into bullet point #2. Harvey also mentions that once you’ve passed the 90 day “probation” period with your partner, you can hand out sex “like sandwiches at a picnic.” I didn’t realize that women were the gatekeepers of sex? Why not focus on creating sex as sacred from the very beginning instead of controlling it?
- Sex should be earned.
Using sex as a reward or withholding sex for punishment will never lead you to a satisfying sex life. This is similar to treating a man like a dog – men are equally deserving of sex as women are. No gender is more superior or important than the other, nor should sex be used as the tool to gain power over your partner. How is this empowering?
- Men desire sex sooner than women.
Both women and men are sexual creatures and have an equal innate desire for sexual gratification. The stereotype that men think about sex and desire sex more than women are associated with cultural factors and societal programming more so than scientific proof. In a study done by a Canadian researcher, women were physically turned on by every sexual scenario presented to them, whereas men were turned on by that which matched their sexual preferences.
- Giving up sex too early means you’re slutty.
In Harvey’s book, he states that, “…if you’re giving [sex] to a guy who’s only been on the job for a week or two, you’re making a grave mistake.” What mistake is that? Has desiring sexual pleasure, despite the relationship circumstances, become a mistake that should not be made? This notion is loaded with a sense of judgment and wrongness, and is clearly outdated and false. Associating sex with sluttiness to any degree is maintaining the feminine as a sexually inferior gender.
This same myth is depicted in society as well. Imagine a 16-year old male who just has sex – more often than not, he receives a high five from a father, brother, or friend. Now imagine a 16-year old female who just has sex for the first time – more often than not, she is being judged for being easy or slutty.
- Men are sex-hungry losers.
According to Harvey, “real men” will wait for sex. He also deems that men are unlikely to take women seriously if she “gives it up” early on. Based on the research I’ve done and my own personal experience, these statements are false. Now granted, some men may view women differently based on their upbringing and programming. However, as a whole, men are sexual creatures… just as women are. If a man desires sex, is he now considered not a real man? Where have we linked how long we wait for sex with being real or not? Sex should never be associated with our “status”. This is comparable to saying that a man who waits for money and lives a life of poverty is a real man. (Because sex and money are the same energy.)
Men are sexual and visual creatures – absolutely. But where have we, as women, denied that we are in fact sexual and visual creatures as well?
Have you ever wondered why Instagram and Pinterest users are 80%+ female?
Women are visual creatures. They just choose a different outlet to fulfill that desire. Just like they read porn instead of watching porn.
And yet again, I’m reminded of this very factful golden nugget – female bodies have a clitoris.
What is the sole purpose of the clitoris?
Female bodies are equipped to fulfill our sexual desires.
So why are women denying themselves of receiving pleasure based on rules, programming, societal beliefs, and fear of judgment from others?
Let’s flip the situation real quick…
Imagine a man withholding being a gentleman for 90 days. He doesn’t offer to pay for dates, he doesn’t hold open the door, he doesn’t return your calls, _________ (fill in the blank for what you’ve decided is a gentleman).
How long do you think a woman would keep this man?
Women who embrace their sexuality have healthier AND happier sex lives, less body image issues, higher self-esteem and confidence, and a friskier libido.
Sex shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip to control a man’s emotions. In all honesty, men’s emotions don’t function that way. Men can separate the emotional from the physical, hence why they can have sex without emotional attachment. To them, it’s like watching a football game, whereas women need to feel an emotional connection before having sex.
However, if you’re waiting to feel a connection with a man, the quickest way to know if you have a connection with him is through sex. Sex opens a man’s heart (when he’s not having a one night stand or functioning from a place of just adding another notch to his belt).
Let’s say you wait 90 days to have sex, and then you realize there is no sexual chemistry between the two of you. Now what? Back to the drawing board? Waiting another 90 days?
As I always ask, if sex is considered non-important, so much so that you can withhold it for 90 days, then why is it so important when your partner goes elsewhere to have his sexual needs met?
More and more studies are showing that sex is what holds a relationship together – instead of withholding it, explore it. Create a conversation about it. Discover your sexual needs, wants, and desires together. I promise you you’ll be much happier if you do!